Most of us live our life leaning forward, often pushing forward. When I look back at the last few years I certainly did. Though I do take time to sit and breathe, my life is certainly forward oriented. And I’m not just referring to a temporal orientation. More of a body orientation. Or an energy orientation if you like.
We project a lot: we project our actions, our emotions, our words, our thoughts. At times, we even push them out there, onto others, filling the space between us and our world. Where do we form those projections?
I have been reflecting a lot on FEAR recently. What is it? Is it for everybody the same?
I know it does show up for everybody, though it may look quite different for each of us. For some people it is fear of pain, fear of death, fear of being physically hurt, fear of being sick, fear of losing someone. For some people it is fear of bats, fear of heights, fear of falling. For others fear of failing, fear of being wrong, of being ridiculed, of not being seen, of being misunderstood.
As for myself, I’ve never really been scared of anything that would hurt myself, whether physically or emotionally. Those fears just don’t belong to me. But I am scared that those I love may die, get hurt, or may suffer. I have fear of being in a tight space, or under water, and fear of free falling. And I have fear of using my voice to express myself: what if they won’t like me?
Have you ever lived a moment that was filled with one little detail only? I believe this is what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi would categorize as a flow state, though his definition is certainly much more complex and entails many more variables. In that moment, all that is unnecessary is not there. One detail, one sensation, one movement, one sound is all there is and fills the whole consciousness. Life expands in a way that is both highly complex and yet very simple and uncomplicated. It just flows.
Soon I’ll be boarding my flight to Milan. Soon I’ll drop into my window seat, take off my shoes, a few drops of lavender essential oils on my wrists and I’ll close my eyes. My heart is tired today. My bursting, full, joyful, grateful, lively and alive heart. Today it is none of that. Today it is just tired.
I find ‘last days’ exhausting. They are so full of expectations that inevitably get frustrated. I was well prepared, my half empty bag (I have no winter clothes here!) ready since yesterday. A day to spend at home with the kids before I set off. ‘Today we will have a good time’.
Did we? Of course not.
Amazing stories come from everywhere. When we just stop and listen, an amazing story is just around the corner, ready to be brought to us. An amazing story of pain and strength, of love and surrender. Fractured spirits, who could just as easily have lost themselves in lives that defeat reason and disrupt our sense of things. And yet they didn’t lose themselves, they have kept us together, they’ve brought us through, with broken limbs and bite marks that go deeper than the bones, identities to recreate from scratch, putting together the few broken pieces we were left with.
Can you let yourself be swept up by the greatness of others?
These words keep coming back to me these days. When that happens it usually points towards the next step in my journey of growth. I know well where I am in that journey, turning that curve which leads into an open heart. But that open heart offers so many lessons, so many opportunities, I have only barely scratched the surface. The journey towards opening the heart is symbolized for me in the 4 Brahma-vihara, the 4 immeasurable, sublime qualities of the heart that counter ill-will.
This is a bit of a crazy time for me. You know? When you have done all that work on yourself, you've looked deep into the wounds, sometimes connected to the light, sometimes simply emerged with more darkness? You know that feeling, like everything is in movement, everything has been stirred (and I'm preparing for a 3 hours mantra meditation, talking about stirring), everything is changing, and you flow? Sometimes. Sometimes you try to hang on to the shore, to the rocks, to the thread of your old sweater that is coming apart. Like you. At least that's how it may feel like.
But you also know that you are not really breaking up, you are more likely to be breaking through [ I know you know this: if you follow my blog and my craziness, you are my crowd, my tribe. You know this. I don't have to tell you].
First let me tell how this came about. I’m preparing for an important change in my professional life and for an important meeting that may kick start it. The last two months have been spent between panic attacks and mind-blowing excitement.
Putting my thoughts together on how to move forward has taken a lot of my energies, whether spent in coming up with ideas or dealing with self-doubt.
I somewhat have a model in my mind, on how to go about bringing to organizations what I do. But declining this model into practical concepts has not been easy. Often my ideas are nothing more than inspirations, intuitions, and dreams. Would anybody listen to my dreams?
Last week I thought I almost nailed it. And with that central construct (let’s call it construct A) as the center point, I went about creating the framework. Yet, on some levels it did not seem to flow and resonate.
This morning a friend said that when 1st December comes she’s hit by Christmas preparations, plans, and to do’s.
I noticed yesterday, when I realized I had completely forgotten the Advent’s Calendar for my children, that December for me doesn’t yet mean Christmas. There’s another date to attend, before I can let my mind be taken over by Christmas preparations.
December for me is the month of systemic cancer checks - It’s actually not quite as bad as it sounds.
As I’m working on preparing two workshops centered around COMMUNICATION and EXPRESSION, I get to reflect on the link between these two concepts.
It certainly strikes me as a sign from the Universe that these two amazing opportunities have presented to me at the very same time – a workshop on Mindfulness & Creative Expression and a workshop on Conscious Communication. Both of them in cooperation with amazing professionals.
Are COMMUNICATION and EXPRESSION the same thing? How are they different? How are they connected? There is nothing scientific or rigorous in what I’m about to say here. These are nothing more than my 9:00 in the morning reflections.
I sit here drinking my tea, soon I’ll be heading off to my Mindfulness course and we will be talking about communication. Another thing, which I don’t feel like dismissing as a coincidence (as if I even believed in them). My assignment this week was about Difficult Communications and this very same morning I had a really difficult one. So let’s start with this real-life example.